AUTHOR'S NOTE: The story featured here is inspired by Justin Clairmont's BarneyDOOM project, which can be accessed at the BarneyDOOM Club website. Mr. Clairmont has been gracious and supportive throughout this writing project, and I hope you'll take the time to download his Barney DOOM patch and enjoy some lively, intensely gratifying violence. -B. Bull
Chapter One: Rude Awakening
The scraping noises were all around him.
Where the hell was he?
He rubbed his eyes, removing hardened grains of mucus, and strained to see where he was. It was a cold, dark, metallic place of some scientific design, and as he arose off the unyielding metal surface, found it was some sort of body-chamber. The air in the room was stale, and as he became used to the dimness, he began to notice switches and dials of many sizes dotting the walls. Looking intently about him, the man spotted a light switch and flicked on the overhead fluorescents. The glare stung his eyes.
The light made a few things perfectly clear. First, he was buck naked, clammy, and white as a fresh blanket of snow. Second, the body-chamber was the renowned Cryogenic Army Personnel Unit (CAPER-3000), which by the date on the chronometer, indicated he had been frozen for seven weeks. Third, the only other objects in the room were a trunk and a cassette player.
Opening the trunk, the man discovered a marineÆs body-armor suit, helmet, and pistol with holster. There were also a few daysÆ rations and a first-aid pack. Quickly donning the suit to keep himself warm, he spotted a nametag sewn on the front pocket: A. KEINMANN
The man chuckled. Even with a rudimentary knowledge of German, he figured out the moniker and its ironic meaning. ôKeinmannö translated directly into English as ôNo Manö. A little more creative than John Doe, he thought, but this is still looking more and more like a suicide mission. If his superiors deemed him A. Keinmann, Keinmann he would be. He then picked up the cassette player and turned it on.
And still he heard the unusual scraping noises coming from outside the room. What was that about?
A moment later a manÆs voice emanated from the tape. It had a tone of urgency.
ôHello, this is Dr. Sayer for Interstellar Forces. YouÆre probably wondering where you are, Mr. Keinmann. Memory loss is a common occurrence following repeated cryogenic-hibernation, so IÆll quickly summarize your mission. Your body was frozen following an outbreak of a severe alien infestation, that threatens earthly civilization as we know it. We had hoped that our accumulated forces would hold the aliens at bay, but unfortunately our losses became too high and we were forced to abandon the planet. Only you and I remain, and it is you who will help liberate our world from these....these monsters.
ôI accompanied your body following your freezing here to monitor your hibernation, and to protect your chamber while you slept. WeÆre several levels underneath an area of severe infestation, and at best, we were only able to accomodate a pistol for you, and a pistol for me. Several battles between Earth forces and the aliens have been fought in this exact location however, so chances are good you will come across rations, medical kits, and superior weaponry as you travel through the levels. Be particularly keen to find the BFG-9000. You donÆt know how proud we are of that gun.ö
Keinmann slid a magazine into his pistol and slid it into the holster. ôSo just where are you now, Dr. Sayer?ö he pondered aloud.
ôBy the time you listen to this, I may already be protecting your hibernation chamber from the aliens. Your chamber-unit is designed to activate and revitalize your body within five minutes from the touch of a remote switch which I carry on my person. In the back of your helmet is a remote unit which will plug into any audio-visual transmitter still active on earth. You can contact Army Personnel at Moon Base Omega for help, if needed. Your commanding officer on this mission is Sergeant Tyler McCormick.ö
ôMcCormick, eh?ö frowned Keinmann, ôThereÆs a name I can never forget. Why am I not surprised heÆs behind this?ö
ôOne more thing,ö continued the recording, ôthe nature of these aliens are....unusual. In past wars, weÆve seen everything from fireball-throwing imps to gigantic demons. But....weÆre at a loss to explain the appearance of these creatures...itÆs almost.....um...funny.ö
ôFunny?ö
ô....a popular childrenÆs show character of some time back, named Barney the Dinosaur, apparently learned of some new cloning techniques, and has unleashed a high number of these clones, along with his most devoted fans, upon the world. Fat, purple, insipid, yet extremely violent, these clones are similar to Barney in many respects. Beware, Mr. Keinmann, the world is a very different place.ö
The tape sputtered and automatically shut off. Keinmann listened outside. The curious scraping noises had ended.
Strapping the helmet in place, Keinmann slid down the protective visor and removed his pistol as he neared the chamber door. Taking a deep breath, the soldier unlocked the heavy chamber lock and the door slipped open.
Immediately Keinmann felt a heavy object slump against his knees. Instinctively reeling back and levelling the gun towards the floor, Keinmann saw what the object was. It was a middle-aged man with dark matted hair and a whiskery-face. Clad in a shredded laboratory coat stained with blood, the man tightly clutched a pistol identical to KeinmannÆs. Cartridge cases lay scattered about the bloody concrete floor, and as Keinmann became used to the darkness of the hall, he began to notice several large corpses slumped against the walls. The bloated, purple, and reptilian forms of these corpses inidicated they were distinctively Barneyian. One hell of a gunfight was had here, thought Keinmann.
Kneeling closer to the fallen man, Keinmann discovered that he had been the one making the scraping noises against the chamber. The poor manÆs fingers were literally worn to the bone, crude streaks of blood smeared against the doorway and outer walls of the body-chamber. Keinmann touched the tips of his fingers to the throat of the man, and found no pulse. Slipping a hand under the manÆs lab coat, he pulled out an identification card and saw the name:
DR. MATTHIAS SAYER, Army Cryogenics Unit, Nashville Division
ôTough haul, Doc,ö said Keinmann, removing the dead scientistÆs coat and laying it over his body, ôRest assured, IÆm gonna nail those responsible for this. Thanks for keeping me alive.ö
Keinmann carefully made his way past the corpses and towards a lift. The walls were decorated with Barney-murals and blood stains, and as Keinmann ascended up the lift, he heard the approaching din of Barneyian clones, mindless and as dangerous as any enemy he had ever encountered. The pistol grew hot as fire in his hand, and upon reaching the first level, Keinmann felt the rage and fury of any passionate soldier.
Keinmann turned and faced the open Gate of Hell.